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Showing posts with label Funniest Animal Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funniest Animal Jokes. Show all posts
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A frog telephoned
A frog telephoned the psychic hot line and was told, “you are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “next term…in her biology class.”
Got any grapes??
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?“
The bartender confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell,
“Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?“
Confused, the bartenders says no.
”Good!” says the duck, “Got any grapes?”
A cute little dog
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch!” He says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”
A blind man and his dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”
Amazing dog
A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
What a touching story
There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot.
One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog.
The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito.
The next day…
Beware of the Panda
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”
The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”. It reads:
“Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”
Go, get some beer
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house, drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kinda slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.”
The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open one.”
So they decided to send the centipede and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
Monkey was handling the steering
Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.
Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Tying their belts”
Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!”
Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Checking the system”
Monkey: “Looking for my people”
One spring day
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, “If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.” Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, ” if that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and i’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.”
Run from a bear
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
A big hunter
A big Hunter in a party talking about his hunting career and told, “Yes I used to shoot tigers in Africa.” The listeners protested saying there are no tigers on that continent.
The Hunter replied, “Of course I shot them all.”
The Hunter replied, “Of course I shot them all.”
Big white cat
Daughter told to her mother, “Right now I have seen a healthy white big cat went out from our kitchen”
Mother told, ” It is good sign and fortune to see a white big cat.”
Daughter replied, “Yes fortune is that it has eaten all of your foods.”
Talking dog for sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
Adopted
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
Faithful
A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
